After the 2016 election the phrase, “Never the less she persisted” became a rallying cry for women everywhere. For those who just kept going against a system designed specifically to exclude them. Those who realise small gains still move them forward and those who just keep going. It’s one of the best qualities of all the women that I love and admire. Sadly, it’s also one of our worst qualities. Why, as women, do we keep going when it’s obvious that we shouldn’t. We have all been told that if we put in the effort, we can make anything work. Not everything is meant to work.
No one likes to think they have made a mistake. Particularly when it comes to relationships, women tend to look past so many red flags simply based on how invested they already are and how much time and effort they have already put into making it the ideal situation. In the beginning, there is constant contact. The level of attention is flattering and at times even overwhelming. The first time there is a change, you think to yourself, it’s been a long day, maybe he isn’t well. As time goes on, the latter becomes the norm but you still cling to the behaviour of the past thinking that’s the real him.
The more likely explanation, however, is that he managed to pretend to be something he wasn’t for a certain period. What felt like the beginning of something special was a means to an end and the true facets of his personality have finally come oozing out, like red hot laver through the thin veneer of the surface of the earth. However, you convince yourself he has just had a bad day or maybe it’s something you have done to change his reaction to you.
Ever so slowly, he defines the parameters of how your relationship is going to work. In isolation, you can see reasons for the things he is saying and they make sense. Of course, we shouldn’t tell people about us until we know what we are. It does put too much pressure on something new to have everyone chime in and it is kind of sexy to be sneaking around. You hear him downplay your connection as nothing to friends, knowing that you share this secret. What happens when he’s so proficient that he convinces even you that the two of you are nothing. That you are nothing.
You listen to him show care and concern for people he knows, for family, friends, for ex-girlfriends and you think it’s lovely that he has that sense of compassion even though it has never been shown to you. You sit with him as he is indignant that someone, he has done a lot for isn’t showing him respect, “how hard is it to return a text”, he says. You nod in agreement while thinking of all the times your texts have lingered in the air for days with no response at all.
When you are alone in the dark, you have moments where you think of all the things you want to tell him. You want him to know that he was not your only option. You want him to know that there is a man, who despite the fact that you recently broke his heart, wants to marry you. You want him to know that if you wanted no strings attached sex, there are half a dozen guys you could have called. You want to tell him all this not to make him jealous but to prove to him that he is special. That you chose him above all of the other possibilities. Then you cry because in your heart of hearts you know that for whatever reason he has not chosen you. Despite the fact that there is just enough effort on his part to make you dress up and drive to his apartment, you know that to be the truth.
Eventually, there is a line that is crossed. Proving not only that he doesn’t love you but has no respect for you. A betrayal of trust that leaves you gutted and paralyzed with fear. Being with him physically after that is you giving consent. It’s you saying yes to him being this intimate part of you, while you can feel your soul slowly but surely tearing apart from the inside. You do things you never thought you’d do just to get some clarity. You feel the integrity you have always prided yourself on slowly slipping away.
You can stay on this twisted carousel and continue to go round and round until you are so disorientated you have forgotten where you started and who you are. Alternatively, you can choose to step off. Even though the whole thing has left you feeling broken and foolish, you find your feet and take a walk in the sun until you feel strong enough to try again. You still love him and you’re not even sure why. Maybe it was more the vision of the time you might have been able to share together. It might have taken you longer than you would have liked but as you wondered why he couldn’t just make a decision; something occurs to you. He was not the only one discounting you. You could make a choice. Now and always, you must choose yourself.
On tour with the kid 
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